safety first

People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.

There is a reason you failed chemistry.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.


If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.


If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.


Your respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them aside if you feel you no longer need them.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go there.


Radioactive materials come in 4 convenient sizes:
- individual dose
- family value size
- neighborhood spray pump size
- supersize!

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

Watch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your back.